There is a continuous balance between your external and internal phase, or doing and being, or your yin and your yang. I often feel it as an ongoing switch between me being either in Student-mode or in Teacher-mode. Last year I started living more in sync with nature’s cycles; I took a long holiday to ‘hibernate’ in December, I’m naturally syncing my menstruation with the phases of the moon, and I made Spring my time for new beginnings with omniwonder.
The more I’m tuning in, the more I’m learning that everything comes and goes in cycles.
Right now, there are two crucial cycles that I’m currently learning to live with. The first is my energy pattern, or Ultradian rhythm, throughout a day, and I recently discovered the power of taking short breaks every two hours. The second is the above-mentioned external-internal phase, and learning about this one is quite a bit more profound. For me these two phases alternate approximately every couple of months, and they’re unfortunately not as obviously regocnizable as bleeding vs not bleeding. Only in hindsight are they quite easy to spot.
My last phase was an external one; I created omniwonder, started blogging, connected with hundreds of readers, then started life coaching and connected even deeper with people. I also became a board member of InterGifted, and worked together with a bunch of fantastic colleagues and fellow coaches. I touched the lives of so many people, and most of my days were filled with productive creativity. All pretty externally focused, right?
My internal phases are much harder to describe, and because it’s harder to pinpoint their value in terms of productivity, I have a tendency to appreciate them less. I recently moved towards an internal phase (the first one I recognized as it happened!) and this is what I wrote down about it:
As I’m learning more about structural integration, I’m also learning so much more about life.
I’m learning how to read a body, and besides seeing how a posture could be improved, I’m also starting to sense what’s going on emotionally underneath it all. When I work on someone, physically I feel knots, or trigger-points, and varying levels of tightness in the fascia. But what I feel emotionally and spiritually is much more intriguing. I can sense feelings and events stored in certain parts of the body, and working on certain areas fires off my intuition and I get all sorts of symbols and images coming through. It’s so fascinating!
I’m learning how to use my Chi, or prana, or life energy to warm up my body, and to channel whatever it is I’m channeling into another person to help them heal. I’m starting to understand more and more that we are all just energy, and that our lives are much less random than they seem, once you look at them symbolically. I think I finally understand what God is, even though I’ve always called it Universe or Light. I’m connecting to my inner Feminine Divine. I’m learning how to see people through archetypes and chakras. I’m taking my intuition seriously for the first time in my life, and with that I realize I have been following my heart much more often than it seemed, even tough I rationalized my decisions afterwards.
Non-attachment and being in the present moment aren’t simply tools for happiness anymore. They’re the one Truth, and I understand now how our perceived duality is an illusion …
I feel as if I’ve unlocked my mission in life, and whether it’s with structural integration specifically or that it will develop into something else over time; I know I’m meant to be a healer and a teacher. I also feel strongly that I’m meant to travel the world to learn as much as I can, in order to become the best healer and teacher I can be…
Sounds like a beautiful phase on paper. And in reality, it is. I’m in love with life right now.
But sometimes it’s harder to give myself credit for laying around in my meditation room, hanging out and philosophizing, reading for hours, and going for long walks to clear it all out.
The outcomes are simply less tangible than when I was in my external phase and I knocked things off my to-do list such as: design the website, write 10 articles, contact writers you look up to, have calls with clients, etc.
Also, as I said above, my external creativity and internal receptivity are not mutually exclusive. The scale is just tipped slightly either way, which makes it hard to recognize what phase I’m in. I used to be very resistant to moving into an internal phase, because I didn’t understand my lack of energy and motivation for external tasks. But it doesn’t mean I completely change what I’m doing and stop writing and coaching, I just simply use more of my time for study and reflection now. And I’ve decided to be in peace with that. Deep down I know this phase is just as valuable, and in a productivity-oriented masculine society, I realize the validation and appreciation can really only come from myself. So here I am, going with the flow.