I went through life mostly skeptical about spirituality. There was no god up in the sky, religion was stupid, and I definitely wasn’t divine myself. I remember those times when my mom told me ‘it happened for a reason’ or ‘it had to happen, you see?’. In the beginning I interpreted it as ‘it turned out okay’, but when I understood how seriously she meant it, I thought it was a little silly. I didn’t want my bad luck to have a reason, because that made it sound like I caused it.
This skeptical attitude was praised throughout my research degree, and in our society in general.
I don’t know exactly when I started to open up to spirituality, but there have been a few significant turning points. I remember cycling through the forest as a teenager, suddenly being fully aware that there had to be more to it all. I can’t recall the line of thought that preceded it, but that confession to myself opened the door to exploring the unknown. In university I took some extra courses in Buddhism, only to realize that that really is a religion, too. I did fall in love with the teachings, and for a time considered joining a monastery. I liked the focus on happiness and your own responsibility for it, and what struck me most was the notion of Divine essence in every human being. Suddenly my idea of God as a guy in the sky turned into images of the universe and of nature. Another turning point was a picture I came across of a woman holding a couple of tarot cards. I didn’t know anything about tarot, but I thought the artwork of this deck was incredible, and I wanted to have it simply as inspiration for my drawings. When it arrived, though, I couldn’t stand the idea of having something laying around the house that I didn’t know the workings of, so I started studying tarot. This slammed that door that was unlocked wide open. What I thought was a silly thing to try to predict the future turned into a sophisticated tool for developing intuition.
Intuition? Is that something you are allowed to take seriously? Is that something you can train?!
Turns out you can. Another point of no return was the experience of no-self that I had while I was living in Vietnam. I was completely engrossed by The Book by Alan Watts, and suddenly, probably for just a couple of seconds, I understood with my whole being that I didn’t exist. Until I excitedly shouted ‘I get it!’, because there ‘I’ was again. The last turning point into spirituality happened only years ago, when I was out of the blue asked to become an apprentice in the wonderful healing form of Structural Integration. The way my teacher works is purely intuitive and deeply spiritual, so for the first time my subtle curiosity turned into full time study into the realm of woo-woo. And I’m absolutely loving it.
“It had to happen, you see?” – Mom
But it did cause me to withdraw a little. I’ve been busy. Writing, creating, designing. Building stuff. Learning, studying, meditating, contemplating, every day.
Just not very publicly. There’s an inevitable hermit-ness that comes with a journey within. I now spend most of my time either studying the esoteric or working for InterGifted. When I started omniwonder, I wrote mostly about personal growth, self-help, and how-to-be-happy. I felt quite knowledgeable about those topics, and I figured I had experienced at least enough to share my wisdom with you. It felt amazing to be able to help others with stories about my own journey.
But as it goes with positive disintegration, the journey is never finished. The current track of the path is new to me. I’ve been diving deep into spirituality, not just as a field of study, but also as a profoundly humbling journey into my own spiritual nature.
And I don’t feel knowledgeable about this at all. I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m suddenly fascinated by topics I would have declared myself crazy over not that long ago, such as astrology, tantra, and God. My idea of being spiritual used to consist of meditation to calm the mind, with as ultimate goal a state of permanent happiness as described in Buddhism. Now, I’m getting intuitive messages while communicating with my Higher Self, before I lay out some tarot cards, that help me explain who I am according to my zodiac sign. I’ll do some yoga to check in with my chakras before I do a Reiki session. After that I’ll pop in a yoni egg to help me connect with my feminine archetypes while staring at the moon. Then I’ll ritually burn some incense while I meditate on the illusion of the Self.
And it all makes so much sense.
As I’m typing this I’m imagining old friends thinking I’ve gone crazy. The thing is, I don’t want to lose anyone who thinks that way, because the part of me that used to think the same hasn’t left for long enough to be out of sight. My skeptical side is very much still there, but it’s losing power rapidly. The side of me who simply knows that this is all a beautiful expression of the real Truth doesn’t care about other things anymore. So what if you lose readers or even friends, this is so real, and so important, share it, publish it!
So I haven’t been publishing. I don’t know what to say. ‘Hey guys. I thought I knew stuff, so I became a writer and a life coach, because I had it all figured out. But then I learned some more and now I’m like a kid in a candy store who just discovered the storage room. There’s more! So much more!! I’ll get back to ya, gotta go explore this!’
The more I’m envisioning my purpose in life, the more I’m imagining that I won’t be done in this candy store until I’m old. That’s when I may have learned enough to really give back. That’s when I’ve let all that I’ve studied mature, or ripen within me, in order to teach and heal according to my highest potential. I’ll be a vessel for knowledge like an oak barrel is for wine.
So I might as well be vulnerable and share my journey with you now.
So I’m still here, and I’m happy you are, too. As the road is getting more and more unfamiliar, it’s also getting more and more intriguing. Are you ready to join me?